An interview with Pandora Morris, the host of Hurt to Healing

I battled with my own mental health - obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and eating disorder (ED) from a very young age. I was always one of those box ticking people and I went through school thinking I wanted to be a lawyer, but didn’t actually give much thought as to whether I really did, it was more governed by being a perfectionist and ticking boxes.

As my mental health exacerbated over the years, I thought that once I qualified as a lawyer I would have an eureka moment and feel like I could give myself permission to work on myself, gain a sense of self worth, and gain clarity and direction in what I wanted from my life. It was almost a permission giving exercise and it felt like once I’d reached that point -as we often do in life once you’ve reached a goal or bar - then a door would open and I’d find an inner sense of contentment.

After a tumultuous journey to get through law school - I’d had multiple stress fractures as a result of over exercising and not eating enough - I started at a law firm but got signed off. I ended up in rehab and going to America for treatment, and it became very, very clear that law wasn’t for me and I wasn’t cut out for it.

I was on the waiting list for an NHS clinic that treats extreme OCD and then when Covid happened it closed down, and that had been the lifeline I was waiting for. My ED had been treated but I’d never had a focus on the OCD, which I’ve come to realise is what drives a lot of my eating behaviours. So then when I got an email to say it wasn’t going to happen, I was living with my parents and my mum was desperate too. When Covid happened, it forced me to stop in my tracks. As with so many other people with mental health issues, my mental health went from bad to worse and I felt locked in prison at home as well as in my mind. I felt suicidal. I got another stress fracture and ended up on crutches, everything felt like a mess and I just couldn’t see the light

I fought for six months to get to America and eventually got to see a doctor out there, and it was while I was there that I started listening to podcasts. I’d never really listened to any, because of the way my OCD attaches to new things, doing anything new is always very problematic because of the number of compulsions I had to do in order to do anything new, especially anything to do with technology, so I would avoid doing them.

With OCD you can end up avoiding doing any of the things that your fear attaches to and your life very quickly becomes very narrow. So during Covid I couldn’t use Zoom, I couldn’t use email, it’s complicated and I won’t go into the intricacies of OCD but essentially I ended up doing lots of exposure therapy and I said I really wanted to listen to podcasts. Ironically I’d always thought I wanted to be a radio presenter or go into news, and ultimately I found when I could start listening to them that podcasts were incredible for my mental wellbeing. It led to the idea of doing my own one about my journey and how I could help other people, sharing all the dead ends I’d come to and the useful bits of knowledge. I thought if I could write an encyclopedia for people with MH issues, as well as their parents, their caregivers, their siblings, their friends, their partners, then surely this will be something massively useful and needed. I felt like if I could share some vulnerability and openness, then I was prepared to use that with my journey and story to help others and help them feel less ashamed.

The thought of starting was very overwhelming, but I met my producer Georgie and we started looking at how we would action my idea into a podcast. That’s how we started and where the idea came from. I’m pleased to say that three years later Georgie is still my producer.

It’s baby steps. If I had known how long the journey to recovery is, I would have probably thrown my toys out the pram and said ‘are you kidding me?’.

I think a lot of what I’ve learnt is trying to remind myself that I am not my disorder,I am a person who needs to reconnect with and nurture my inner child. I think learning about the pain I’ve experienced and understanding why I ended up with the coping strategies I did has been eye opening for me, and understanding that the work has to come from within too, unfortunately no one can give you a magic formula. We have a lot of the answers within ourselves but it’s about slowly gaining the confidence to give yourself permission to give yourself a life that you deserve, and remembering that you are worthy of being kind to yourself. For me, it’s still a real challenge to do that but tiny things like just saying to yourself ‘I’m safe, I’m ok’, as it’s very easy when you have a mental health issue to go into flight or fight mode.

Understanding other people more has been a big help for me, and the wider family system and how you’ve been brought up can be a helpful tool to help move forward. Being able to understand that someone else’s behaviour isn’t about you, it’s about them and their own experiences and it’s nothing to do with you.

I’ve learnt a lot about caregivers too, recognising that they also have needs when dealing with someone with a mental health illness and it’s something I’ve tried to bring into this podcast too.

Dr Anna Lembke was a fascinating doctor that I interviewed, she was incredibly impressive. She spoke about dopamine and how it plays such a key role in the way that we respond to things, and how we become addicted to substances and behaviours which was really eye opening.

I also spoke to a psychiatrist called Dr Mark Horowitz who spoke about anti-depressants and how while they can work for a lot of people, for others they don’t always work the way they should. For a long time I thought it was just me, so it was validating to understand more about this and that my body doesn’t respond to them in the way that it should was revelatory for me.

I think the work Shout does is phenomenal. The way you can reach people through text is a lot more accessible and the fact people can get help then and there and have an immediate response is much more suitable for young people.

I think what Shout is doing with volunteers and the community, training they receive and the knowledge and tools they have is incredible. Shout has grown so much and I think the help it offers people is fantastic.

We live in a much more digital world, people can find face to face conversations and vocalising how they feel quite challenging, so the fact that you can type out a message is a non-threatening way for people to communicate.

Something that’s very powerful about Shout too is how the anonymised data can help analyse trends, which is so needed - we need to understand what support is needed for people.

I’d tell myself that it takes time, and that it’s okay that it does. It’s not because there’s something wrong with you or that you’re different and I think that you’ve just got to keep trying new methods to find what works for you.

My journey has been so convoluted and I have come to so many dead ends or found that things that once worked didn’t work anymore, so I’d tell myself there’s not going to be one person or one experience that would heal me. There is a life out there waiting for you. If it’s not perfect and it doesn’t feel enough, that’s okay. Understanding that and sitting with the discomfort will be okay, a lot of your healing will come from being able to sit with that feeling. True healing and life happens when you start to let go a bit and accept you’re still on a journey.

For more information, visit the Hurt to Healing website or listen to the podcast.